Denied

“What you were, is not a sign of who you should be.” She said, as she kissed the nose that had turned red due to the cold. Stroking the hair that stuck to the forehead with sweat, she held her breath, staring at closed eyelids, imagining the blue-green irises that lay underneath, unmoving, releasing it only when she had found the perfect words on her lips. “You mistook me for a lover. I was anything but one. I could not love you, or the likes of you. Betrayer, you call me. Helper, I respond. Helped you through your wounds, wounds that ignited pain deep within you when you were left alone. Alone, to rust and rot. Alone to die, wither like the leaves that had fallen off their trees, smeared with the brown of the earth like the blood on your torso, your arms that were cold and heavy with the scars of the ropes that cut into your flesh, and the blood that clotted on those, as it gave way to the festering and healing. I was your healer. And you have healed. I must take my leave.”

Rising, she disappeared amidst the smell of smoked candles and bloodied roses, as both crept up crawling up the air and mixed with the stench of love that lingered long after it was denied.

Metamorphosis

Change is inevitable, yes.
But is it not untold that when
a caterpillar finally grows itself
into a butterfly, it completely
leaves everything behind. And
if I dare say, you have not broken
those ties, those rules that break
us apart.

When you recast yourself
from the person you were before,
to what you are now, those side-swept
bangs, banged you up like a rocket leaves
the Earth, out in a matter of seconds.

Our relationship has changed, from
a love-struck boy that I was, stealing
glances at you, at every chance  I got,
I dare say, I look at you openly now. I
stare in your deep black eyes, so much
like the black hole, pulling me closer
and closer as seconds pass by and I try.
I try so hard to stay afloat in the sea of
rubble that we created and broken promises
and cut-up wrists and goodbye hugs, with
mementos and memories.

Re-orientation has had made you better,
but not the better that was moulded to my
imperfection. We are irreconcilable. So
clashing, so… confusing.

Now here we are, incongruous to each other,
grousing to our friends when we turn our backs.
Poles apart, literally, may be, I contemplate,
what would my life be, if I did not be a cocoon
to you, as a caterpillar, throwing me into masses
in words and phrases?

appreciation

I tried to change myself
for you, hoping that one day you might
notice me and accept me into your clan. I tried so hard
to fit in your group of judgemental cronies
that I forgot how you had judged me the
first time I had walked up to you.

I  forgot to keep a part of myself hidden, one
that had been embedded itself into my soul was
exchanged for a part of yourself.

So starry eyed I was by you that I overrode those
little emotions that made bile rise up
in my throat when you asked me for money only
because my parents were rich and you were
too lazy to get them from your own purse.

I tried to look for validation in your eyes,
appreciation for my efforts,
I ignored the fact that you used me
and made fun of me when I turned around.

For when I did, you had these little snickers
that you made sure I’d hear.
But hey! Look, your validation
was so appealing and so mesmerizing to me
that I chose to forget what you’d done and made me do,
only to be accepted and appreciated and validated.

Letter to an inspiration

Hi, hello, namaste.

It’s been three months (and a bit more) since Talk-a-Thon, and last night, I realized that I didn’t really thank you enough for being there, coming for the event and be there for the Talk Show, it was my dream to have you and Shamir there. I couldn’t really talk at that time, mostly because I was feeling all jittery to have two people, whom I respect so much, there in front of me, talking to everyone and making them comfortable, especially after I’d told everyone what an amazing person you are. Everyone was, may I say, shocked, but your humbleness, and that too coming from a person who has achieved so much in life, and inspired so many people on the way.

Harnidh, you are an inspiration, one that forces people to get up and about, to pull up their socks, and work for their goals, and strive towards perfection. Be it the way you carry yourself, or the way you respond to questions, love, hate, and still are so down to earth. I actually remember asking you if I could hug you and you laughed and hugged me, it was one of the nicest feelings ever, like I’d been holding a mini Oscar.

Today, on Women’s Day, I cannot really thank you for existing, for being an ask.fm user (verified hein), or just simply being there. Reading your answers, your blog, whenever I am feeling that I should just quit writing because I don’t really get the output of the input I put in. But then  I read your poetry, try to grasp the way you have written in, so beautiful, and I try to inculcate that into my own writings, I can be proud of calling you a role model for me. You are so beautiful, and that million dollar smile you wear, it’s something I can really look at all day, and smile.

I wish you all the very best for your book, and perhaps, sometime in the future, I could have one of mine on the way too. Hehe, stay awesome, and just, don’t ever change.

Thank you, Harnidh, for being what you are. x

A letter to my 10 y/o self

Hey, you know what, you’re going to be amazing. Also you’re going to grow fat. Yes, this bony structure of yours will be covered in fat, and you’ll be unhappy, mostly with yourself, but with the world around you too.

Hey, but that’s not the only thing! You are the Head Girl right now, and it doesn’t really matter if you punched that girl in yoga class, or how you slipped down the stairs and cried. It definitely won’t matter.

You’re going to be a great writer in the making, I can assure you that. Remember the poem you wrote, in the third grade? Well, that’s a terrific one! You also are going to be a bit of an internet celebrity, with a hundred people complimenting you on your smile, your eyes, your hair, or whatever. It’s temporary. Don’t fall for it. All those people won’t matter to you.

You have an amazing circle of friends at school, but they won’t be there forever. You’ll meet so many new and better people in your life later, in college.

Hey, I hope you don’t waste your time on the internet when you have to study, but we aren’t the ones to listen to anybody, are we?

There will be so many people who will leave you, your best friend will change residence, to over 4000 kilometers away. But, you will keep in touch. You know, you will meet so many amazing people in college, you’re going to have a blog site, and may be, just may be, a novel coming up.

I really won’t tell you to ignore the voices coming from the adjacent room. You know very well how to do that. I’m going to tell you to go with the flow, and you have most probably made all he right choices in life, and some very very wrong ones.

But, you are strong, and beautiful, and intelligent. You can do it.

In six years, you have changes a lot, but the inner spark still remains. Good luck.